I was reading a story earlier today... In itself, perfectly harmless, and part of a series I have a longstanding affection for. Some of the details in the latest chapter have thrown me for a loop today it would seem though. I've been alternating between annoyed, confused, and sometimes very nearly in tears as I muck through some of the concepts I used to hold to and new realizations which threaten to upheave my world even a little further yet...
In the story, which I have to point out is based on a lot of fantasy and science fiction, a female character found out about someone who'd gone from born and raised female to being a hermaphrodite, in the truest sense. The person had always identified mentally as being both male and female, and wanted to look on the outside as 'she' felt she really was. The female character in the story, upon hearing this, came to the realization that perhaps she wasn't entirely alone, and that this might prove to be what she was looking for as well.
The reason this story hit so close to home, is because I'm in a similar struggle myself. Mentally, I suppose I used to be more androgynous then either gender in particular... But, over the course of the last few years (and a few relationships along the way), that's changed somewhat. I'm not 'neither gender', I feel that I'm both at once. I waver back and forth between the two. I want to cringe when I get referred to as female, and want to get snappy and angry when someone refers to me as male.
The thing is... Physically, I am female. I'm a mother, and honestly hope to have another child in the future at some point. And at the same time, I can't stand the idea of being pushed into a 'motherly' role. I'm a homemaker, and yet I despise this too because it feels like a forced role. I'm engaged to be married, and my fiance is male and has no doubts about his own gender or gender role, and is perfectly comfortable being himself. I struggle sometimes to be myself, and not just give in and be what others expect me to based on what sex I was born.
I'm actually quite lucky in my relationship, in that he accepts me as I am, regardless of which 'gender' seems to be dominant at any given time. He's straight, or at least mostly so, but... Well, just suffice it to say we are compatible on a sexual level, as we are on every other. I've even told him to some extent what's running through my mind today, and he's been perfectly accepting of it. He reminded me that he loves me, not my gender... Relieving to hear, but still I can't help worrying a bit.
I guess the main thing troubling me at this point, isn't accepting that I fall outside the 'normal' spectrum of gender. It's that I can't see any possible way of being on the outside as I feel I am mentally and emotionally. For the more common forms of 'transgender', it's a matter of going from one gender to the other. I would want to stop right in the middle. I don't even know if that would be tolerated medically at this point, nor if I would even be allowed to take the first step in that direction. I don't want to be 'male' any more then I want to be 'female'.
The other part about that which bothers me is, there are some things I have no desire to change, which would inevitably should I go that route. I don't want any increased hair growth, or for my voice to change, or anything else like that. I wouldn't want to have breast reduction or removal, or to have any female internal organs removed. I'd want to keep what I have, with just one main addition. I'm already quite androgynous in appearance as it is... Even hormonally, I'm a mix of the two.
I don't know, I guess I'm just having a bit of a bad day. I feel like I'm wandering and rambling in circles, with no conclusion or resolution for this whole mental and emotional mess. Any advice, suggestions, opinions, would all be welcomed.